I’m sitting on a park bench in the middle of the night. It’s not very cold since it’s August, but it is smokey because of nearby forest fires. The midnight smoke hovers in the air like a morning fog, albeit much less satisfying to breathe in. I’m out here because the alternative is my bedroom at my parent’s house where I think my mind enters some sort of numb emotional stasis. When I’m outside or alone driving I feel like I am able to think much more clearly. I found this song “Touch Heaven” a few weeks ago on Jake Hogan’s Instagram account where he performed it live in his bedroom, I wonder if his bedroom allows him to breathe more clearly than mine does. After another look I’m starting to think it may not be a bedroom at all, it looks more like a studio room, a space made for creative expression. I can see curtains in the back and a hallway leading elsewhere, a pull up bar on the doorframe, and lots of natural light. I think Jake is blessed to create in such a beautiful space, yet I wonder if he feels the need to sit alone outside sometimes too.

     The video he posted when I initially found the song was supposed to be on a burner account that Jake would use to share demos with his friends, unassuming and inherently allowing for more freedom of expression than would be possible on an account where one might feel pressured to keep up a certain appearance. The indie performance video went viral, and I’m forced to wonder if the freedom that account initially allowed might feel compromised now, despite the good fortune new ears bring. “Touch Heaven” opens with a robotic matter-of-fact exclamation of those two words, sampled rhythmically to bring us into the groove from the start. With the addition of a breakbeat drum loop and deep growling synth bassline, I’m immediately transported elsewhere. I must say It’s a song that fits quite suitably for melancholic bench-sitting. Just a moment ago two kids rode by on bikes, the girl in the back was screaming at the top of her lungs which I can only assume was purely in an effort to feel the freedom of a good scream, while the boy in front shouted back that there was 'a guy just chilling out in that park.’ I guess he saw me and thought it was worth noting. When Jake’s voice comes in on the song, it’s presence is intentional and shameless.. It must be the lack of perceived pressure that allowed him to vocalize in a way that feels so natural, fluent, and wistful. The song is presumably about a lover for whom Jake can't help but make excuses for, "I walk around and make excuses for you cuz your touch is like heaven" "I break my neck to get a little bit closer cuz your touch is like heaven"

     It reminds me of a past self who did the same. I made excuses for a girl I was head over heels for, she could do anything and I would still brush it off because as long as there was a hint of interest towards me, at the time, that was enough. The "break my neck" lyric reminds me of the pain I went through just to convince myself that the impossible was still possible, yet Jake's latter lyrics convey a different feeling when he says "I went through heaven, I went through heaven." clearly a play on the phrase "I went through hell." Which is more in line with how I would've described my own experience, although I can’t help but admit I only put myself through that hell because pieces of it did indeed feel like heaven. Maybe the entire song is just about the act of falling, and the way I perceive it from a negative perspective is much like the way I saw his studio as a bedroom that breathed life and creativity into his room, in contrast to my stasis chamber. I find myself doing something that we all must do from time to time, assuming those around us have had the same experiences we've had, or maybe that their life is perfect and ours is not. Perhaps Jake is reflecting on a negative relationship with a lover, but choosing to focus on what made staying worth it, reminding himself that he went through heaven. And perhaps his studio is nothing like my bedroom, in any case it still gets much more sunlight than mine does and I’m jealous of that fact. The way Hogan is able to so effortlessly vocalize shows a level of confidence that I aspire to have.

     This song is not just a good song that I like, to me it serves as proof of better days to come. You can see the joy in Hogan's eyes and in his actions as he performs various demos on the alt account, that joy that an artist only gets when they're enveloped in the process of making a song, in love with the act and appreciating each moment. I hope to see many more examples of Jake's artistic process coming to fruition in front of the camera, while I hope the freedom to create shamelessly isn't lost with the addition of so many new eyes.